Smokeys shadow

Out of the frying pan Into the Fire

2005-02-28T10:52:00.000-08:00

Well long time no write. I have been through alot of ups and downs in my life but the biggest one was my breakup between me and susan. I guess if you have read the other posts you all knew it was coming
I guess i expected it i was holding on to a false hope of a meaninful relationship.
I miss her. but ill make it
I think Im going to go out with a friend of mines daughter. She is nice and dosn't take everything so seriously. She treats me good and generaly wants make me happy. I don't know whats going to happen between us. And as for susan i miss her and one day maybe. After college maybe she will come back to me but i doubt it i think she will find someone else.

until next time the smoke is thick and im blind

Well its me again

2004-10-13T06:20:00.000-07:00

Well another day has gone by. And im still wondering whats going on with me and my other half. We don't talk on the phone anymore. And the few times we do we don't really have much to say. Most of the time its because she is preoccupied, other people in the room, studying, or watching tv. Her new favorite phrase is "im too stressed out, Im too Busy to talk or do anything." But i guess its to be expected, i didn't think it would ever really last. I guess she is growing up and not that loving person i thought, Or maybe its me and my insecurities. I don't know. I know what makes me happy and thats knowing that someone loves me and is going to be there for me whenever i need them. My other knows that if she ever needed something i would do all in my power to help. I don't get the same vibe from her if the situation were reversed. Im so confused. I feel

I don't know what i feel.

But i care about her.

And only her.

Thus speaketh smoke.

To be, or Not to be that is the ?

2004-10-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

Well that is the ? of the century. Are me and Susan destined to be together or not? Things go well, and then again they don't. i don't want her to feel pushed into anything. But i need some type of feedback from her. A onsided relationship never works. And i feel that sometimes this is what we have. But i want so much more than that. I miss her constantly, and i wish icould spend my every hour with her. I know this is not possible due to the fact that she is at college but you would think that when she has a free weekend she would want to spend time with me. I guess not. Oh well here we go again

This may be the biggest ? of my life.

Back again

2004-09-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

Well i thought i would surprise my girlfriend by getting a new screen name for aim and im ing her today. But what a coincidence she was idle for 8 hours, no away message she wouldn'
t answer her phone, it just rang and rang. Im so tired of being avoided. Well just as i was tired of tring to talk to her and signing out. She calls me on the phone " please sign back on" ha ah ahahahhaaahahha why? So i can waste another 3 hours. I know you may have been busy but i tried for 3 hours to get ahold of you. I might get back on later if my fingers don't fall off. I really thing she tries to avoid me but im not sure these are my opinions. Thats all they are they are not based on fact. As a matter of FACT i don't even really know if she loves me. I have no FACTS to back up that belief.

One day I will know the answer.

One day i will be happy forever.

One day i will . . . . . . . . .

One Day.

Thus sayeth the mind of SMOKE

Oh my god im posting

2004-09-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well i know it has been awhile but alas i had no computer with which to blog with. But i am once again at my uncles house preparing to move in to my new home. I move in three days. I am so excited. But im very nervous as well. for my relationships i guess it is still up in the air. I have no idea whats going on. One minute i am told it will get better and that she is sorry and she knows she needs to change but she never does. She does the same things over and over again. But i guess thats the person a fell in love with. I have to tried to change and accept what is going on for the sake of love. however when i move in i wont be able to talk on the phone as much and i def. wont be able to go to lander so i don't expect her to come home very often so once again i will be all alone. I don't expect her to miss me. and i don't expect us to last very long.

I love her.

I am such a failure

2004-09-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

well. Its been a while since i posted. Probably due to the fact that i have not had access to a pc with with to post with. But i found one. Well i am very close to moving in to my own place. I am so excited. However it has its ups and downs. One i won't have alot of money to do anything.( #1 is not enought to go see the love of my life on the weekends like i want to.) It also poses new questions to breed in my head. The one that hangs in my mind like a shadow of death is the fact that i am scared the my love is going to leave me. Probably due to the fact that i won't be able to see her as much. I just read on her blog how she won't be coming home as much as last year so i don't expect her to see my place that much. I will be alone all the time. No one to talk to. And deep down, i feel that maybe little by little my other half is losing interest in me. Things she used to do, say and feel are far and few between. It may be me being paranoid, lonely or just me missing her so much. but it is painful anyway. I have done everything i know to try and find out her intentions but i cant' get her to tell me. I don't want to deal with the fact that i'm losing her. She is my light, my pedestal upon wich i stand. She is what drives me to do more. If not for her i wouldn't be getting my own place. She has no idea what she means to me. I made a decision the other day to not do something that was going to help with my finances, but i didn't do it for fear of losing the one thing more important to me than anything else. One day i hope she realizes what she means to me. I hope she understands that the past few weeks have been hell for me. Trying to get everthing sorted out. i have been under a lot of stress, and i know this is now excuse but i have had a short fuse lately but im sorry things will get better.

Susan l. Black I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL

greg

My mom is so unreasonable

2004-08-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

My mom called me this morning and sent me an email stating that i had to get my dogs away from her house by three oclock. how unreasonable is that im still looking for a place myself muchless a dog. I guess animal control will have to come and get them. I guess nothing ever changes.

Here we go again#2

2004-08-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

:Well. The only small shining light in my life was extinguished today at about 7:30 pm. I had told my significant other the other day that iwas coming to stay with her this weekend. I specifially asked her to ? her roomie about it and find out the rules. Just as i expected after aprox. 30 hours no questions have been asked. I guess you can tell where i rank on the important list. After all the stuff im going through i didn't think it to much to ask. But i guess it was. My other is content with just again seeing me for a couple of hours asking me (trying to save money) to drive all the way down there for a coulple of hours and then coming back here. Wherever here may be. I don't think she is as concerned about my emotional feelings and my current situation as much as she tells me she is. If it were reveresed i would find a way to make it work. She probably has other things planned and dosn't want me to interfere or know about them. The i don't know the rules part is just a convienient excuse. I believe she went to an orientation at college today that would have explained the campus rules. I don't know what to do. My other asked me ? the other day that completely lit up my life in a very dark hour of it. That light now too has faded. I pray things will change. I pray things will get better, but as for now

Fade

to

Black

Smokey

P.s. to my other
i still love you. I have to express myself even though . . . . . . . . .

Not again. I want to die.

2004-08-17T18:21:00.000-07:00

Well i guess its about that time again. My mom went off the deep end again. Today i went to work. I got sick and threw up in the floor. My supervisor saw this and asked me to just go home and get better for work tomorrow. I went home and called susan to let her know to meet me at alberts around 5 or 5:30 to pick up her pc to take to college. I went to alberts to drop off a trailer i had borrowed and to meet with susan the day before she went to college. I talked withher for about 1 and 1/2 hours. I went home gave my dad the paper and my mom the mail. My mom asked where i had been, she knew i had been at alberts. I told her. She asked whos vehicle was in the yard. I told her susan. She cussed me and called me a lying bastard. She called susan a lot of bad names. And said the she had been at the house all day long. Not even asking neighbors or anyone else if they had seen anything. She took the phone from me and told i couldn't use the phone anymore the same thing she had done last year. she kept on ranting and raving until i couldn't stand it anymore. I finaly had enough and i lost it. I said some things that i never in my wildest dreams thought i would say. For that God please forgive me. I never meant anything i said i was just so angry that my mom can be so nice and then turn on me. I don't know what to do anymore. I almost killed myself today. But i couldn't do it. I am not going to take the easy way out. I have too much to live for. Namely susan. She is my everything. I am hopefully going to third shift so i can make moremoney and get my own place its time to grow up and be an adult. Mom i love you and please forgive me.

Can't sleep or eat.

2004-08-17T13:05:00.000-07:00

I'm back again twice in one day imagine that. I Can't sleep and i can't eat. My nerves are shot. I don't know which way to turn. I want things to work out between me and my loved one but i have so many doubts and fears. When things are great they are great when they are bad they are really bad. I don't think my significant other feels any remorse for her earlier actions. maybe remorse is not the best choice of words. She either dosn't care or well dosn't care. If the situation had been reversed and i had done these things to her i would be alone. She would have left me. So why must i subject myself to this type of life. Well if anyone wants to know it called LOVE. It makes you do the stupidest stuff in the world. And all because of one other persons emotions, thoughts, feelings, and maybe just maybe their love for you.. love .. . . .

would be nice if i knew the answer to that one.

well ill be back sometime.

2004-08-17T11:55:00.000-07:00

I love my baby

2004-08-17T11:43:00.000-07:00

Homerun!!!

2004-08-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

I actually looked like this when i used to be happy.

I have got to be stupid

2004-08-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

Well after dating for a few years, you would think a man would learn from his mistakes. i guess not when love is involved. 3 years ago a girl whose name i won't mention cheated on me and i vowed to never give any woman a second chance. Well i meet a new girl. We have dated about 1 and 1/2 years. I have been happier than i have ever been in my whole life. Sure we have our arguments, but thats to be expected. However here recently i found out that the love of my life got drunk at a party last year at college about 2 hours away from me and started kissing a guy she barely even knew. On top of that when i approached her about this she lied to me. But im used to it. I still love her with all my heart and soul, its just that tomorrow she leaves to return to a new college, and im scared to death, that its going to happen again. Maybe i care to much, maybe i should start being an asshole or something different. Being nice and stuff like that just isn't working. I need help...

Love is killing me.